morethan_this on Xanga

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

WEDNESDAY!

Hey, everyone. Last entry was pretty lame, with me admitting that even today I sometimes think being smaller will solve all my problems. I do know better...but I still get infatuated with the cycles of losing weight.
I'm happy today, in a surreal kind of way. I felt like my sister was in the sky, seeing me walking across the fields, and telling me that everything is going to be okay. Then I realized that I still have life in front of me, and she doesn't, and it made me feel really lucky, like a reminder that there really is a lot of hope. "What comes is better than what came before." I teared up because it made me miss her SO BAD, but it felt like I was having a conversation with her in my head.
(I know that sounds crazy.)

Much X and O.

Friday, 08 January 2010

First of all, I'm excited that I've only had a page for a few days and there is already a sense of community. Xanga is so underrated, I swear...
Secondly, I'm friggin giddy. It's been such a good day...great workout, date tonight...life is pretty okay right now. The date, well, more on that later ;)

!!!!+++ PLEASE READ MY QUESTION BELOW+++!!!!

P.S. I'm slacking on commenting you guys...I'll work on it when I have more time!!

Here's my question for this blog. Answer it! I know all of you have insightful things to say:
Pretend you actually got to the point where your body was absolutely perfect, and you actually believed it. Do you imagine that at that point, there are some other assumed life aspects that are now "fixed?" Are there certain things that are "right" now about life when you attain this perfection? Things you are now free from, things you now have, etc.?
If this doesn't make sense, let me explain. When I imagine my body in its perfect form, I also imagine that I am wearing perfect clothes that perfectly define my style. I also imagine that I have no anxiety around people, and that I have even more close friends that accept me, that I have no sadness or depression, and a lot of other pretty personal things that I won't drone on and on about.
I really think this is a valuable question to ask yourself if you have an eating disorder, and I've never heard it anywhere before. You might wonder, what's the point? To me, the point is that by asking myself, it also tells me what else I might desire or feel a loss for not having, and it its place, I starve and focus on my body in order to somehow reach these "goals" or dreams. Someday I will fully realize that I don't have to "get perfect" before I can truly attain such "goals," many of which I haven't listed.
I really hope this is insightful to at least one person....so much....

Thursday, 07 January 2010

Whoever the creeper is from New Jersey who checks on this site every five minutes...stop.

Either that, or leave a comment so I know who you are?

Thanks.

Anyways, YOU, yes I mean YOU...if you are stopping by, say hello! Answer my question:

What are some of the most triggering things that have ever been said to you? You know what I'm talking about..those one liners, sometimes from people you barely know or people you know really well, that send you into a heightened state of fixation on restricting, exercise, weight loss, etc. It's crazy how these small comments can be like an explosive match!

I'll answer it later if there are enough responses. Cheers!
Good MORNING!

...err, well, the sun is definitely up.

I'm just not ;)

I do have to get up so I can get the day going. I just did a major transformation on my bedroom so it's all glowing and clean. I love it! Let's see if I can keep it that way, ha.

Food today will be a bowl of warm cereal, and I may have a date tonight so that could get iffy. Maybe we can just meet for a drink. We'll see.

Or just a fake plastic sundae, like Anja here: (LOVE this ad compaign)

+++Update+++
Ended up not eating the hot cereal because it exploded in the microwave. Oops!

[x] 3 rings of pineapple
Hi. I've had sites on here before but neglected them for years. Mostly I had them when I was at the more difficult points of anorexia, compulsive anorexia, a bout of bulimia, depression---a whole myriad of fun stuff.

Now? I'm in a new town, freshly cut off from a breakup, and I find myself in this giant apartment alone with an empty feeling of both excitement and total trepidation.

So why am I on here? I guess, if there is one thing I do know about ED sites, it's that there is a place where people understand you. It has always been incredibly sad to me that I can't ever feel like I am truly being myself around others because it's not like I can truly answer them when they ask, "Hey, what's wrong?"

"...Oh, nothing! I'm fine. I just saw a glance of myself in the mirror and wished I'd skipped breakfast, that's all!"

"Oh, cool, I understand!"

NOT.

I'd like to keep details out of this site. First, if you know me, cool. Try not to call me out. Send me a message instead. Second, I guess I'll post some stats so you have some idea, since I'm probably not going to be posting pictures of myself on here.

I'm 22. I just graduated college and moved to a big city. Cliche much? ;) I have family in the real estate business which has afforded me the ability to live in this humungo place now. I still have slight qualms about it being higher than the 20th floor, but I'll get over it.

I'm 5'10. Right now I'm in the mid-120s in terms of weight. Most of my life I have been in the 130s, and 140s when I was athletic, and at my lowest was in the teens. I don't weigh myself anymore.

I more recently moved into a size 2 and size 26 (occasionally 27) pant. Before that, a 4 was comfortable, but not it is too big. I won't lie. It'd be nice if that would stay the case, of if a 2 would be looser.

I don't have a diet or anything right now, and I'm not paranoid about calories like I used to be. I feel like I've been on all spectrums so it all feels the same. I haven't purged in YEARS and it is going to stay that way. I worked hard to get out of it. As far as eating, it's pretty scary how easy it is just to not eat. Then if there is a social occasion, I will. It's a problem, I know, because then no one has any idea that I'm not eating the rest of the time...but I'll admit that it feels good to have that control.

What are my goals? I don't know. I have a lot of them. I'd rather not list them here. What I do know is that I'd like to lose more weight. I want to be more obviously skinny. I feel better. So that's what I'm going to do...

As far as today goes, it was seemingly effortless. I had three slices of pineapple and a little of the juice in the can. The high GI was an insta-pick me up. I just didn't have the drive to eat today...

As for anyone who made it this far, who are you? Tell me your stories...or your name...or something that you think was dumb about my entry (hahha!).